Turning 40

So going over the hill is not much different than going up the hill. I'm not sure if that is an appropriate way to phrase that, but it is obviously true. Birthdays get less and less poignant for me. I can't relate to people who make a lot about birthdays.

Last year I went to a Mexican restaurant on my 39th birthday and had a tasty steak. This year I had leftovers from my nephews own birthday, a large bottle of wine, and made drunk Facebook posts. Fortunately I did not post anything offensive to Islam or anything too embarrassing. A fatwa on my birthday would kind of suck.

So an inventory of my life at 40 is rather bleak. I have so little. Two years ago I had 10,000 in the bank, 35k in retirement, a law firm, clients, a teaching job, and a home with nice furniture. A rolex, Right now I am broke waiting to move to China. My possessions include an iPad, a 50 inch smart TV, a blackberry, a lot of nice but worn clothing, my golf clubs and hockey equipment.

My marriage to a career con artist led me down a rather dark path. I had debates with myself about wether my hard work and lonely life was something that had any value to me. Questioning your life is best done from a position of happiness. Otherwise it becomes something that can pull you down into a morass of depression.

I like to think I am out of the swamp. Working is what I enjoy most. I am glad to be working again.

Part of the difficulty of the past year has been the lack of any motivation on my part to go back to what I now view as a miserable life. I had become extremely isolated working online and as a solo attorney. It was not psychologically healthy for me. So when I sort of broke down, I didn't want to get back to where I had been, because that was misery.

Even though she was and is a pathological liar, my ex wife/girlfriend broke me down because I didn't want to go back to the loneliness I had endured for years. It is hard to understand how loneliness and isolation work unless you have been there.

My personal life is not better, but I feel a lot better in many ways now.